Sarah vs The Search Engine
by Doc in Oz
Summary: The much hyped and highly anticipated sequel to The Summer Cold, Which was itself a sequel to Sarah vs The Fan Fiction. Still can't find a real plot. Just a bunch of stuff happening. If it's funny, that's probably luck.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Chuck et al.

**Wepdiggy** owns the Sam 'verse. My people are still waiting to hear from his people. Nice (Nice, flocking great!) to see a new one from him too.

* * *

**Deep Voiced Man:** Previously, in the Sarah vs The Fan Fiction 'verse;

-o0o-

"You know this is a waste of time?" said Chuck, as he did some last minute fiddling on his computer.

"I've been saying that since I met you, you idiot."

Chuck straightened up and addressed the other two in his room. "Look, I've been reading these fictions for some time now. No flashes. Nada. Zip. And so-oooo, say hullo to my leedle frien" as he theatrically pushed the return stood facing his audience. Casey just looked, well, like Casey. Sarah looked at him proudly.

And then….

They both were looking at his screen with raised eyebrows. What?

Chuck turned to look at the results.

**51,314 results found in 3.2 seconds.**

"What! No! That's not right!"

*Grunt* (I may just go back to bed, and cry for a little bit.)

"Chuu-uuuck."

-o0o-

She realised (after blood flow slowly returned to her brain) that one of the desperately hungry moans was coming from her own traitorous throat.

"Um…." she untangled her leg from where it had found its way around behind Chuck all by itself. He brought his hands back from where they'd headed without a conscious thought from him. They separated a little, panting.

"…wow…"

"Look….Chu…."

"Sorry…..I should…"

"…um…"

"...Sarah, we should... shouldn't... "

"...we can't..."

They almost lasted a full second. Their eyes never left each others during the moment that dragged for eternity.

And then they were back in each others arms.

It transpired that Sarah had found the condoms also.

* * *

**The General vs Fan Fiction Part 2:**

"**Back to the search engine"**

"Roan?"

"Good morning to you too, Charles. Welcome back to Burbank."

"What are you doing here? Why are you a green shirt? Is there a mi..." Chuck looked around, blatantly checking for spies "A mission?" he concluded in a loud whisper that could be heard over at the check-outs.

"Mission? Ah, yes. I'm here on a mission. Do you, perchance remember some weeks ago, when I passed on a message from Dianne? You were having some problem with some search doohickie of yours?"

"Well, yeah. But the FBI? Witness Protection? I was a hostage, Roan."

"And Dianne sympathises with your little problem there, Charles" Actually, Roan was pretty sure that Dianne did _not_ sympathise, but being a spy meant you had to elongate the truth, once in a while. "But you've opened this proverbial can of worms, and we, meaning _you_, need to solve the problem" Roan gestured to Chuck's chest.

Roan rechecked the Buy More. There still wasn't a bar, and these days, you couldn't even smoke indoors anymore. Disappointed.

"So, Charles. Will you, for the love of God, please get her the right answer, so I can get out of this... place. There are skimpily clad women in a beachside bar, somewhere else, who _desperately_ need my attention."

"For the greater good, I'm sure." Chuck muttered under his breath "Look, I'll see what I can do" he concluded audibly.

-o0o-

"Bartowski!" bellowed Big Mike from his customary position of just outside his office door. That was as far onto the sales floor he felt comfortable venturing once actual customers, or staff for that matter, were able to enter the store.

"Big Mike, good morning to you too." Said Chuck as he headed towards the store manager.

"Good to have you back, son. Did you have a good time? Notice anything different?"

"You're running low on bearclaws? Did you want me to send Skip to grab some..."

"I'm talkin' 'bout the store, son. The new guy. I saw you talkin' to him just now."

"...Yeah, Roan. Was it Roan? Seems Okayyy..."

"OK! Son, he's more than OK. You should see him with the ladies. It's like he's been trained in the art of seduction. Hell, he could give lessons. The desperately middle aged housewives love him. And the young hot ones too. Know what I'm sayin? I've sold more sad and lonely, weepy chick flicks in the past two weeks than in the past two years. That man is a genius!"

-o0o-

"Agent Montgomery. Chu... the asset informs me you have been posted here to provide assistance in ..." Sarah glanced over at the nerd herd desk.

"Please, agent Walker. Provide assistance? I know nothing about computers. Dianne felt I had let her down the last time I was here. So I now perform penance here in the retail sector." The two spies wandered the DVD aisles, until the nerd heard desk was in clear view.

He interrupted himself to speak to a customer "Good morning Miriam. See? I told you, you would find that diverting. Now excuse me, I'll be with you in just a moment." He said to the forty-something woman clutching a DVD to her bosom, and gazing at Roan with hope glistening in her eyes.

They left the house-frou to continue her wandering and gazing.

"Have I told you of the time I was shipwrecked in the Aegean? In all honesty, I think I was thrown unceremoniously overboard, but shipwrecked sounds so much better, don't you think?"

Roan paused, and pretended to notice Sarah for the first time "You know, your eyes are the exact same color as the waters surrounding the little island where I washed up, and was rescued by the incumbents of a school for wayward girls..." he drifted off with a little smile to himself.

Roan noticed her reaction at the sight of the tall nerd at the desk. And his reaction to the sight of her.

"Ahh. Things have progressed, I see. During the FBI situation, I assume. Well, you've had most of three weeks to be _at_ it, so the pair of you should have most of it out of your systems by now. Not a word to Dianne, you have my word. I do know how to keep a secret, you know."

"Um..." she was a tad flummoxed.

"Please. Forget what I do for a living? Now if you'll excuse me, I feel I need to speak to Charles. Remind him again of why I'm here. Charles! A word in your shell like?"

Roan place a fatherly hand on Chuck's shoulder "Charles. Fix that damned problem of Diane's. Now, re yourself and our young Miss Walker. Bravo."

"Huh?"

"Your secret is safe with me. Be patient with her Charles, spies aren't used to this. And Agent Walker? Her especially. I'm guessing you will have to pretend that you're not together, in order that you can still be together?"

Chuck nodded in a vague manner. Roan continued "Be patient. She's still a spy. At some point you may find she is tempted by a mysterious spy, or two. Who knows? You may even be tempted by a beautiful spy yourself. I know you don't believe me now, but these things happen. Be patient." He desperately wanted a cigarette about now, but it wasn't his 'break' for another hour.

"What happened. You seem distracted. A lover tiff?"

"No, it's that stupid search engine. I've found even more result this time."

"Well, I have all the confidence in you. Just remember, there are _still_ scantily clad young ladies waiting for me. No pressure then."

Roan returned to the small queue that had formed in the DVD aisles "Now, Miriam, where were we?" he inspected her selection "Oh no, As Good As It Gets isn't for _you_. Now, let me see... Good morning, Joan. Back so soon? I won't be but a moment..."

-o0o-

Ellie opened the door. Sarah was standing, a little shyly just outside.

"Sarah! Hi! Come in."

"Thanks Ellie. Is Chuck...?"

"He's locked up in his room. Muttering. Is something wrong? When you got back last week, the pair of you were... you couldn't keep your hands off each other, but then... the last few days, all you two do is just look longingly at each other. What's he done?"

"No! He's been ... he's perfect" she answered with honesty and a shy smile. "It's just that while we were in protection... he had this idea. Some sort of... I don't know. You know what he's like with computers. I'm guessing he's still having troubles with it."

"But the Witness thing was..." Ellie was bouncing on her toes with a hopeful smile.

Sarah's slow smile was the answer Ellie wanted. Ellie grabbed her hands, trying to bounce Sarah too.

"It was a little nervy at first. We both were so scared the first night; I don't think we got much sleep." Sarah answered with partial honestly. There was a different reason they didn't get much sleep. And she didn't need to tell her boyfriend's sister _that_.

Sarah knocked before opening the bedroom door. "Chuck?"

"Sarah? Hi!" Chuck was grateful Sarah had kept Ellie in tow. That meant he had a valid excuse to kiss his secret girlfriend while they were on camera.

Ellie's cough brought them up. Maybe they kissed a little too long. They needed more practice, obviously. Not the kissing, they were pretty good at that. Mind you, more practice couldn't hurt.

No, what they needed was more practice restraining the kiss while in public. This could take years.

"Did we have a... did I forget..."

"Just wanted to see how you're doing. I need an excuse to see my boyfriend?"

"Sarah? Ellie's gone now." She reluctantly released his hands.

"Right. So, you're back to the search engine? Roan mentioned something."

"Yeah. I'm just... stuck, you know? I've gone through the code about five times. Rewritten whole slabs..."

"You need a break. ...I've an idea. How about..." she paused, and with a smile, she pulled her phone out, and called "Casey, is it OK if Chuck stands down for the night? He's stuck and I think..."

Chuck couldn't quite hear what Casey said.

"Not all of us think about sex all the time, Casey."

OK, that was a number seventeen grunt, you could hear it from across the courtyard.

"Look, see if we can have clearance to stand down until tomorrow. Yes I'll hold." She wouldn't make eye contact with Chuck. "Thankyou, I'll have him back for you tomorrow."

"OK, what's going..."

"I'm going to get you drunk, Mr Bartowski."

-o0o-

His owner called him 'Sharkie' but he didn't know that. His thoughts rarely strayed much past swimming and wondering if it was time to eat soon.

And then he saw his nemesis return.

This monster from the other world had tried to kill him once before, but he was able to fight her off. The monster still scared him though, so he tried to swim away, and hide. That was when Sarah and Chuck entered her hotel room.

The food giver with the yellow fins on top spoke.

"Carina! What are you doing... What's wrong with Sharkie?" she rushed to the fish bowl, as Sharkie swam in frantic circles, desperately trying to find the corner.

"You call your goldfish Sharkie?"

"Hi Chuckie! Sarah. I've got thirty six hours before I can connect to, I don't know, some speck somewhere in the Pacific."

The two girls hugged. Carina was annoying, but she was still Sarah's friend.

Carina noticed it, from the way Sarah hugged her... it was like she...

"Oh my God! You two finally did it! Was he any good?" She held Sarah back to judge her face. "Ooooh, _that_ good..." Carina swung her attention to Chuck now, a sardonic smile on her face.

"Carina!"

"Chuckie, I'm impressed. What's he got in there, Walker?" she asked, holding her hands an improbable distance apart.

Sarah sighed. "Carina..." she started.

"Tippy top secret. Got it. Come on, tell me all."

"Well, let me get changed, and we'll all go out. He's got some computer problem, and I thought if his subconscious worked on it while I plied him with alcohol, that would solve it. So you might as well come along too."

"Ooh, I've just got to see this" Carina changed focus to Chuck "You haven't partied until half of the Cats have got you in a fountain while..."

"Carina! That's ... classified. And ... classified. And it was a mission"

"OK, look. I appreciate the offer, but I just need to work my way..."

Sarah took him by the shirt "Look, we have the time off. _You_ are drinking." She eased off a bit "Just, well don't let her drag you near any water features..." Sarah paused to glare at Carina, who wasn't pretending to not watch them.

-o0o-

The Hilton. Fourth beer/Cable Car depending on your gender. No pain.

"...an the guy's flat on his back, while the other idiot is trying to give 'im CPR... An he's still alive. Smoking. See? He was smoking. And covered in little cuts, like here, here, here an here... Hi honey" Chuck smiled brilliantly while he interrupted his demonstration to the cut locations on Carina's thigh as Sarah came back. She smiled sweetly at the pair of them. Chuck took the hint and sat back up straight. Sarah sat close to him.

Post fifth drink toilet break.

"It's funny, I'm trying to get him to flirt with me, and the instant you come back into view, he can only can see you. What is it about this town? I've had no luck here since..."

Sixth-th little drinkie-poos.

"It's my frien, Morgan. He wants to be speaking to you. Well, I told him where I was, and who I was with."

Carina took the phone "Martin? Not gonna hap-pen" she hung up. "If I can't get any, nobodyz getting any."

Eighth. It was eight? Right? And you're right, mojitos _are_ tasty and fun to say.

""Rina, put the nice man back down. It's OK, we'll leave. Samoan, right? Oh, Maori. Well, they build 'em big over there. Sar? I don' think he likes the little um-brella right there."

"You know what I feel like?"

"I know what I want to feel like" said Sarah draping her arms around her man.

"Noooo. A kebab. I wanna late night lamb sandwich."

Not sure. Were we keeping count? There was definitely another bar in there somewhere, I'm sure

"Oh, look. A fountain. I _love_ fountains" she began to drag Chuck to the water. Chuck looked a little panicked, and appealed for help

"Carina? Help me."

Some liquor store somewhere, God knows where.

"No, its _three_ parts gin."

"You sure?"

"You're aksing me now? This was your idea."

"I know, hey mister?"

Sarah's hotel room. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

"...well, yes the're cowboys. But ther in space. See? Space. Space cowboys. I cried the firs time I saw Upolla thirteen. Three times." He held up either twice the necessary number of finger, or not enough. "You know what I could stan right now? That kung foo film with Jackie Chan an Jet Li. That was a good film. Too much wire work but. Did we see that?"

"What's this song called again?"

"Um, hang on... _The nips are getting bigger_."

Drunken pause.

*snort* "Nips."

This is the third since we got back here, right? No, two olives thanks.

"It's my teeth, right? We were on the run when I was a kid. The dental plan sucked. But I'm pretty, right? Tell me I'm pretty?"

"Honey, I love you. Thatz why I can tell you the tooth. Truth. Yeah, it's the fron teeth, but yah now what? It works. Cute. Just sayin' that Chuck here has the delicate features of his sister."

The sunlight hurts. Who's phone is ringing?"

"Ugh... Morgan? It's too early, buddy. What's wrong?" there was a _really_ bad taste in Chuck's mouth. His head was throbbing for some reason.

_I just thought you should know Chuck, that I don't appreciate being drunk dialled at three am_

"Um, did I drunk dial you? I don't recall... much of anything... which is probably a good thing."

_Carina, man. You know how we feel about each other. She called me to tell me she was in _bed_ with you. Not cool. Uncool. Bros before..._ Chuck took the phone quickly away from his ear.

Chuck opened his eyes for the first time this (mid) morning. The room was a mess. There were opened bottles and packets of starch based processed foods everywhere. Along with clothing items of both genders.

The stockings over the lampshade and fish bowl were a nice touch.

"Haha, yeah, she's such a kidder. No. No, Carina's fast asleep on Sarah's couch" chuck lied to his best friend, as he looked down at the two sleeping women either side of him.

* * *

**A.N.** About Sharkie. Yeah, I'm wondering how he survived while our two were off in Iowa for close to three week too. Maybe he's a specially trained CIA ninja goldfish... nah. The concierge has orders to look after him, OK?

No goldfish were physically harmed in the making of this fic. And we have a specially trained piscine emotional trauma therapist available for Sharkie.

I didn't know cats could be trained in emotional therapy, but 'Miss Kitty' came with impeccable credentials. And she watches Sharkie _all_ the time.

Nick? I have new respect for you. Writing a socially exited scene is a lot hardrthan you made it look *hic.*

"The nips are getting bigger" by Mental As Anything is one of the best drinking songs, as well as a wonderful single entendre.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Chuck et al.

**Wepdiggy** owns the Sam 'verse. And the "Captain" expression I have shamelessly plagiarised.

* * *

**Deep Voiced Man:** Previously, in the Sarah vs The Fan Fiction 'verse;

-o0o-

_I just thought you should know Chuck, that I don't appreciate being drunk dialled at three am_

"Um, did I drunk dial you? I don't recall... much of anything... which is probably a good thing."

_Carina, man. You know how we feel about each other. She called me to tell me she was in _bed_ with you. Not cool. Uncool. Bros before..._

-o0o-

"Very well. However, my analysts have also read some of these 'works.' In one of them, written by the asset himself, the agents are given mission data inside one such fiction."

"General" Chuck began "that was just an idea that was from an earlier draft when I had set it during season…"

"Never the less, the possibility exists. Chuck, you opened this can of worms. We need to make sure that nothing like this is really happening. You need to check these fictions for covert enemy data." Interrupted the General.

"What?" three voices cried in unison.

-o0o-

"**The Difference Engine"**

"Chuuuu... It's too eaaarly..."

It sounded like that took a lot of energy to mumble into one of the pillows the three of them had been sharing.

Chuck stared down at the two beautiful women still steeping in the bed he'd just clambered out of, only treading on each of them once. Carina first, then Sarah.

"OK, I'm sure I had this dream when I was about fourteen. Somehow I thought it would feel better than this. Sarah's gonna kill me... and then Ellie will kill me... And then Sarah will really kill me."

Chuck was beginning to have the first hint of a suspicion that Sarah's idea of letting his sub-conscious work on his problem while she 'plied him with alcohol' might not have been as fully thought through as it could have been.

Water. That was his first priority. He also placed bottled water from the fridge on the bed side tables for each of the still sleeping spies. He paced as quietly as he could. He was pretty sure nothing had happened. From the last state he could remember, he didn't think there was any way he could have... that they couldn't have... there was no biological way...

He just needed to be sure. Really sure. He'd only _just_ gotten with Sarah, even if they now had to pretend nothing had happened. God, he hoped he hadn't ruined everything.

The pillow hit him in the side of the head with remarkable accuracy, and surprising force "Will you _stop_ thinking so loud? Get back here. Carina, shove over. Chuck, gimme back my pillow."

"Sarah..."

"Nothing happened you idiot. Now get back here. Bring that damned pillow, too."

-o0o-

"You're sure nothing hap..."

"Sarah? Don't you remember? He was a_-may_-zing. And you? When did you learn _that_? Maybe we should..." Sarah's hot glare made her almost duck.

"Chuck! Do you... After what we've gone through. How long it's taken us... there is _no way_ I am letting Captain Skankarella..."

"Hey!" the newly promoted captain's hand found her hips in a time that put the special theory of relativity to the test.

"...over there, ruin..." she pulled him in by the shirt front, and kissed him softly, but with meaning "...anything" she concluded with a bright smile.

The smile she flashed to Carina was somewhat possessive.

It was a pity Chuck had no stash of clothes over here, but last night had been a spur of the moment thing. Both Sarah and Carina had changed into casual jeans and tee shirts. Chuck still wore what he had from last night, and so, smelled strongly of both alcohol and garlic. Where the garlic came from was a mystery.

"We could send his clothes down to the house laundry. Of course that'd mean he'd be stuck here wearing only a towel..." Carina suggested.

"Not with this audience" said Sarah twixt gritted teeth. Sarah drove Chuck back to Echo Park, leaving Carina and Sharkie, who had passed through the fear and terror stages during the night, and was now deep into an almost Taoist acceptance of his fate (He was starting to think of making a list of those he wanted to apologise to, it was a short list), in the hotel room.

-o0o-

"Sarah" Chuck spoke into the phone.

_Hi Chuck, we're at the airport. I'm just making sure Carina catches her flight._

"That's nice. Did she have a good time?"

_Well, she was a bit quiet when I got back. I think she was trying to train Sharkie to jump though a hoop. We had a really greasy lunch, so we felt better. How 'bout you?_

"I'll live. You really call your goldfish Sharkie? Not worried he's going to develop delusions of adequacy?"

_He's a goldfish. I'll start to worry when he starts humming his own theme song. _

"Did I mention I found tzatziki in my teeth this morning? I think that solves the garlic question from last night."

_Speaking of which, any epiphanies yet?_

"'Epiphanies.' Impressive. I had trouble untying my own laces after you dropped me off."

_Yeah well, I know this really nerdy guy. A bit wordy, but I think I can train that out of him._

"Good luck with that. The nerds are strong, my love. Their roots go deep" he paraphrased in a gravelly voice. "When can I see you?" he asked in a quieter voice.

_At work, tomorrow. We just... we can do this Chuck. We just have to be strong. I'll schedule a sleep over in ... I really want to say tonight, but we should go for, not next week end, but the next. My place._

Chuck grinned into his phone "Deal."

_Gotta got, that's her flight._

"OK, love you. Say 'hi and bye' to Carina for me"

-o0o-

"Moron. You and your harem have fun on Saturday night?"

"Good morning John. How was your week-end?"

"I could still remember my own name on Sunday morning. All of them."

"Carina said to say 'Hi.'"

Casey's mouth shifted to an unnatural position "She looked good. Well, up until your "I want a martini, James Bond drinks martinis" phase of the festivities."

"... Were you following us?" Chuck had a nasty thought. Just how close was he following, and how much had he heard?

Casey shrugged "Two trained assassins and a dweeb out drinking? Got to look after my partner..."

"Thanks Casey, that means..."

"...and the idiot asset. Carina was a freebie." Casey ignored him.

"...absolutely normal. Right,"

"Charles? I'm _still_ here..."

"Me too" growled Casey as he departed to the man cave of Beastmaster 3000s.

"...instead of drinking little umbrella drinks in Rio."

"Morning, Roan."

"Speaking of little umbrella drinks, quite the night out I hear, Charles."

"Um, yeah. That was actually to try and knock a solution to..."

"Quite a bit of progress for you too, I hear. Both Sarah _and_ Carina." he marvelled to himself "I've still got it."

"...Excuse me?"

"Carina tweeted something about waking up next to you, in Walker's room."

"Chuck! Did you... You lied to me! You said she was on the couch!" cried a crestfallen passing beard.

"Morgan. No! No no no. That's not what happened. I mean that _is_ what happened. She was on the couch. The couch. Come on man. Buddy?" Chuck asked Morgan's departing back.

Chuck turned angrily to the older man. "Seriously Roan? Couldn't that little gem have waited? Annnd, _nothing_ happened!" Chuck paused as something eventually filtered down... "Ummm...Tweeted?"

"Oh, relax Charles. Purely a sitrep to the local area command. Advising where she is, or _was_ at that time, and readiness status. Which read as...tuckered out and hung-over." The 'tuckered out' rated a smirk. Roan tried to check his cufflinks, but was stymied by the presence of the green polo shirt. And it was still polyester.

"Might I add though, you were quite lucky. I read a report once where those two in Wagga Wagga, I believe it was, where the poor gentleman... a closed casket service. Try as they may, the morticians weren't able to remove the smil..."

"Roan! Not helping!"

-o0o-

"Chuck! Hi!" Sarah beamed brilliantly, and waited for the cover kiss. She was sure they'd get it right this time, here in the Orange Orange.

It never came.

"Chuck? What's wron..."

"Did you know Carina tweeted about waking up in your bed? Next to me? Us?"

The expression 'Skankarella' left Sarah's lips for the second time in as many days.

"And what's with spies tweeting?"

"Well, it's not really... we call it that to cover any overheard conversations. When you're between missions, and out of your normal area, it's an advisory. Look, it's just... Carina. She likes to rock the boat sometimes..."

"Annnd, where you aware one John..."

"Casey was following us? Yeah" this time she smiled a little "we saw him."

Sarah then realised Chuck was worried about them "Oh, don't worry. Visual only. And while I may have been ... relaxed, nothing was actionable. We're ... good. Right?" she couldn't say too much here. Or many places actually. She'd fallen for the man who was probably the most bugged individual on the planet.

"We're good. Now I just have to patch things up with the bearded one. He overheard Roan drop the news about Carina's tweet."

"Do you need some duct tape? Tranquiliser gummy bears? They're a slow mover" she explained.

"Wow, a joke. I hope. Best leave these things to the professionals, though. But it _was_ nice to see a relaxed Sarah Walker, though. And I can't be too hard on Carina. She did save me from the fountain" he danced the eyebrows.

"...Fountain?..." Sarah realised that not all of her memories were as accurate as they could be.

Chuck took the opportunity to pop a gummy bear into her open mouth. Nuthin' but net.

-o0o-

"Charles? We've just heard. Bravo. Well played." Lester had oiled into view from a nearby display.

"Lester? What ever you heard... Ho!" Chuck exclaimed as he tried to avoid Lester, and turned to find Jeff standing three inches from him, although wavering in the breeze was a better description despite the fact there was no breeze. "Sarah and I went out, Carina's an old friend of hers, and she _slept on the couch!_" he emphasised, hoping Morgan would hear him.

"Be that as it may, Charles, be that as it may. We were just wondering what it was you used. What is your big ... _secret_?" Lester managed to make that last word sound depraved.

"I still say he's using voodoo" managed Jeff as he weaved while standing still "Or maybe he hypnotizes them. My money's on Jo-bu. Have you noticed? You never see any live chickens around here anymore." Jeff peered around as if to prove his point.

"It's not natural. Blondie and..." Chuck fled. "You're defying the laws of nature!" Lester called after him.

"Bartowski! Manager's office. Now!" the PA system told the entire store. Along with the nearer sections of the car park.

"Big Mike?" Chuck asked after knocking politely "You asked for me?"

"Son? First of all, lovin' the thought that one of my staff has the stones to be with two of the hottest women God put breath into. But" he held up a finger the thickness of a Weinerlicious whatever-the-hell-they-were-on-a-stick "But your goin' against the fabric of nature, son. Do you know what the Chinese ideogram for 'war' is? Two women un'er the _same_ roof."

"But..."

"Son, you won the jackpot with Blondie over there. Don't ruin it all for just one night of steamy, sweaty, animal jungle..."

"OK, Big Mike. Good talk."

-o0o-

Chuck couldn't find Morgan.

His furry brother-from-another-mother was using his mad work avoidance skills to their utmost, this time. Not on the floor or, God forbid, the Hole. Not in the Cage. Nor the stock room. The break room was empty. The only person in the little boy's room was Jeff, judging from the snoring sound emerging from his out of order disabled toilet stall.

Morgan wouldn't violate the sanctity that was the ladies toilets. Even Jeff and Lester respected that. Well, they did _now_. Ever since Anna had gone postal on them, for reasons that were never fully explored.

It was as if some shadowy government agency had swallowed him up, and stuck Morgan into a bunker.

During his lunch, Sarah offered to help explain it to Morgan.

"Thanks. I think it will take a fully trained CIA operative to find him."

"He's made a little fort out of boxes in the store room. Flat screen section."

"OK, good to know, if a little creepy. Cameras on me everywhere, huh?"

"Can't loose you." She replied with multiple honesties, and a single smile.

"Also good to know. And a lot less creepy." He replied with the same smile.

-o0o-

"Morgan, Chuck's been try..."

"Crom! Ow! Sarah, how did you get so close, so quietly?" Morgan had jumped like a startled cat, but without the ability to land on his feet.

"Well, it's the end of the day. You left your bike here, so I waited for you." She helped him back up, and untangle himself from the bike.

"Sarah, it's just... well, I don't feel comfortable with what happened. That you and Chuck. And ..." tears were beginning to well in his eyes.

"Morgan! Nothing happened!" Sarah tried her best to explain it to Morgan. There was no safe way she could explain that there was _no_ way she would _ever_ share Chuck. Gunplay would be a more likely situation. But then, a few people had realised that Sarah got a little psycho over Chuck. Roan thought it was adorable. "Chuck passed out first. Everyone still had clothes on. OK?"

"So..."

"Carina likes to tease. Morgan, maybe you and Chuck should play your game thingy. Tonight" she smiled when he nodded.

He rode off, favouring is left leg.

-o0o-

Ellie opened the door and then her face fell. "Oh, you." She turned her head to call out "Chuck!"

Chuck stuck his head out of his door "Morgan? Ellie, let him in please." Ellie backed off, muttering under her breath.

"Hey Chuck. I'm sorry about today, man. Sarah explained it to me. And besides, _as if?_ Right? I mean you, Sarah and Carina _all_ at the same..."

"Way to go, Chuckst..." Ellie silenced Devon with a 'not the right thing to say Devon' glance, before hitting Chuck with a 'What the smeg? (Actually, Ellie didn't use 'smeg,' but that was how Chuck and Morgan interpreted it) We will discuss this later' look.

Chuck's frozen smile turned back to Morgan "So?"

"Well, Sarah gave you a Morgan Pass. Fire up the games platform, buddy" his high five died a lonely death. So he followed Chuck into his room.

"Whoa, that looks deep. Chuck? You trying your hand at creating a game? That is some serious code, bro. Bro code, check it... anyway..."

"Well, it's a search engine. But with a difference."

"A difference engine. Right."

Chuck gave his friend a modified version of what he wanted. To find hidden messages in fan fiction. He just left out the part about the messages being from unfriendly powers.

"Hmm well, it looks to Dr Morgan..."

"Morgan? Put the pen down. You've already broken all the ones at work."

"...like it's a typical Bartowski over compensation. See? That seems to be redundant. No just there. Annnnd way too complicated. Boolean, huh?"

"Gee, Morgan. What would you suggest?" the sarcasm whooshed over Morgan's head with the clearance of an airliner at top of cruise.

"No, Boolean has its place. We can even use elements... let me see..."

Chuck began to realise he wasn't getting his seat back any time soon. Who knows, maybe something would happen. At least he was working the problem. Even if Morgan time wasn't the same as Sarah time.

And Morgan certainly had a different interpretation of time. Ellie certainly had strong feelings about that. Casey too.

Chuck's phone rang. "Hi Sarah."

_Just checking. Did Morgan...?"_

"Yeah, thanks Sarah. We've been ..." the time on the clock caught his eye "Morgan? Pedal safe buddy."

"But Chuck, just a few more hours? We might crack this."

_Is he still there? It's been hours. It's almost half past..._

"Yeah. Time flies. Night buddy."

Morgan was puzzled. They'd been making head way. And one phone call from his girlfriend... poof. Here endeth the night. With luck, and getting to work, maybe a day or two late, they might have solved this.

"We've been working on the search engine. Or difference engine as Morg... never mind, I don't think you're ready for steam punk just yet."

_Its like the words are in English, but they make absolutely no..._

"Well, I did say you weren't ready. Yet."

_OK, _that_ sounded ominous._ You could hear the grin through the phone.

"Yeah, I've just realised. This could take _years_."

_OK, just checking on my _ass_et. _

"OK, thanks Sarah. On several levels. Thanks for setting Morgan right. And getting him to go home. Historically that can not be achieved in under forty... "

_Twelve days, Chuck. My bed. Just _us_. Clothing optional. Actually, if I pick you up from work, you'll still have the nerd unif..._

"G'night Sarah" Chuck had a feeling sleep would be a long time coming now. As would the next eleven sleeps.

-o0o-

"So, Chuck. What was Morgan talking about last night, hmm?"

Chuck paused, cornflakes poised part way on their journey from bowl to mouth. "Um, it's Morgan, sis."

"You. Sarah. And someone called Carin..."

The cornflakes were placed gently back into the bowl. Chuck just knew they would be too soggy by the time he would be able to save them. "Well, remember the other night when Sarah took me out? We met a friend of hers, and went for drinks..."


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own Chuck et al.

**Wepdiggy** owns the Sam 'verse.

* * *

**Deep Voiced Man:** Previously, in the Sarah vs The Fan Fiction 'verse;

-o0o-

Chuck stuck his head out of his door "Morgan? Ellie, let him in please." Ellie backed off, muttering under her breath.

"Hey Chuck. I'm sorry about today, man. Sarah explained it to me. And besides, _as if?_ Right? I mean you, Sarah and Carina _all_ at the same..."

-o0o-

"**The Search Engine Strikes Back"**

"Jefferlicious! Focus! See? A typical Bartowski over complication. Tcha! He's a slave to Boolean logic. Arteests such as our good selves... It's a good thing we found this in time. Who knows how long he would have laboured at this, this _crapulence_ before seeking our brilliance..." Lester managed to add a few extra ess's to a word not containing any.

"I know an artist. She works in the medium of dyed elephant dung. First you have to stand nude and really still, and she has uses a trebuchet. But it hurts a lot if you get hit in the ging gang goolies."

While Lester had grown accustomed to the larger man of questionable ... well, everything actually ... this one gave him pause.

Chuck returned to the herd desk.

"Its times like these Charles, that I began to regret fleeing my native Canada."

"Canada, huh? OK. Why did you?" Chuck asked purely because he felt his day hadn't been weird enough. Yet.

"To escape the draft, and seek religious freedom. I was the only quasi-reformist-orthodox player on the national cricket squad. Sadly the U S of A isn't fully enlightened in this globe spanning institution."

"Cricket, huh? I didn't think Canada had a cricket team... and isn't that a game for warmer climes?"

"I hate the draft. It hurts my kidneys" Jeff managed to hang onto a thread of the conversation. Jeff liked conversations. They made him feel included.

"My point" retorted Chuck.

Jeff was stunned. But then, he usually was.

"Has Charles, has. Of course we do. And I can't help but notice that since I left Saskatchewan" he said without starting to stutter "they haven't won a match. Even with my second cousin now on the squad, they still manage to lose to a tribe of upside-down convic..."

"How many did you win while you were playing?"

"And you see here, Bartowski? No wonder this ... melange failed to operate." Lester indicated the monitor.

"Hey! That's my program. Where did you..."

"The beared buffoon was butchering it before we were able to save it from his incompetence."

"Give me that back!" Chuck pulled the drive from the port. Morgan must have saved a version when he was... well butchering was fairly apt.

"Really Charles? Python? Have you soul? No flair?"

"I still have my flairs. But they shrank sometime in the late nineties" Jeff followed the wrong thread. And decade. Again.

Chuck strode through the store, flicking an angry "Not a good time, Roan!" without pause as the older agent opened his mouth. Chuck stormed across the car park.

-o0o-

"Chuck? It'll be alright. I know you think the guys lost all you work. And that lost time." Sarah tried to calm him.

"Do you think we could get Casey to ..." his hands made vague shooting, stabbing, garrotting and something he intended to indicate drowning in a sea of merry-berry flavoured yogurt movements.

"Tempting as that is... how about a coffee?" she took him by the hand and led him away from the bugged CIA super base.

The very instant they were safely out of camera and ear shot, she wrapped him in a tight hug, and stood on tiptoe to kiss him hungrily. It took a moment for the anger to leave him, and then Chuck responded. He was after all holding and kissing the most amazing woman in the world. And she loved him.

"I don't think I can last..." she whispered once the mundane need for air couldn't be resisted any longer. They were both panting slightly. Partially due to the lack of air.

"This has been hell... and you don't help by counting down the number of sleeps each night either, missy" he replied with a smile. She bit her bottom lip with a shy smile. Truth be told, he loved the nightly phone call. And count down.

"What am I going to do?" he wondered.

"We have to be patient. We knew this would be ... hard" her eyes glinted "and then when we finally get to my hotel room, you _will_ ravish me. Starting with ..."

He had to silence her. Quickly. He used the only method he knew of. Apply lips to hers, and moan desperately. Works every time. They rested with foreheads touching.

"Um, wow. I was talking more about this stupid program. It didn't work in the first place. And now everyone has taken a f...laming shot at trying to..."

She silenced him with a tried and true method. Apply lips to his, and moan hungrily. Works every time.

-o0o-

"I see your little confab with Agent Walker has soothed the savage gerbil." Roan greeted Chuck after excusing himself from a little nimbus of older ladies all cooing over him in the DVD section. The waft of heavy perfume followed him.

"Well Roan, get used to the Buy More. 'Cause you're not leaving here any time soon. Our program had a few setbacks." Chuck glared at the nerd desk.

"Awww, a pity then. Well, your two compatriots, the dusky lesbian with the oafish boyfriend over there, insisted last night that I join them at some establishment called Bennigans. It was truly an eye opener. Until that moment, I thought I had known every nuance of human depravity. We could use them to break recalcitrant agents."

"What? Benny's letting them back in? I thought..."

-o0o-

"_Mister_ Bartowski. Am I to understand that despite my order, and your having more than sufficient time, you still are to provide me with the required evidence?"

Sarah chose to jump in "General, Chuck's been working on the problem. It's just that, while we were guests of the Witness Protection... Well, the computer provided for us, him wasn't secure."

"That's true, General. It was like Casey had tried to hack it... actually, Casey would have done a much better..."

To everyone's surprise, Casey piped up, after laying the newly reassembled and gleaming 'Matilda' on the work bench. He loved that M-60. Happiness was a belt fed weapon.

"General, Chuck has been working every spare moment on this." Two sets of eyebrows rose at this, but kept quiet. "And recently, aspects of his civilian life have disrupted his work. Last night, his friend tried to help. And earlier today..."

"I see" said the image of the general. "Thank you, Chuck. That will be all. Agents, stay a moment."

Chuck waited patiently over at the Buy More. He paced back-and-forth just inside the doors, somewhat disrupting customer flow. Three customers showed him the contents of their bags before he realised he needed to move.

Casey and Sarah headed towards the store. As Chuck headed towards Sarah, Casey pulled him up by the scruff of the neck.

"You've got the time, moron. Try not to waste all of it dipping everything in hot chocolate..."

"What?"

"Its all right Casey, I'll explain. Chuck?" Sarah motioned he should come with her to the car park.

"Sarah?"

"OK. We've got the time for you to work on the program. I'll place a work order for you to work on ... " she cleared her throat "I mean the program. So you get paid, while working on this problem. And to avoid distractions" Sarah began to look a little distracted herself "You stay with me" her hands squeezed his tightly "I get to look after you." OK, her voice just rose like his sisters. That meant excitement, right?

His grin was huge "Very clever, Miss Walker."

"Actually, the general suggested it. I couldn't believe it when Casey thought it was a good idea."

"... OK. Maybe we should sweep your place for bugs..."

-o0o-

"A two week install? Why does he get to fanny about on the government dime?"

"Company, Jeffery, company. Fair question though."

"Because Bartowski's the only one who does any work here. Lord knows what's gonna happen with you two imbeciles ... Gah! I'll have to ship the real work to the Hollywood store" thundered Big Mike.

Casey looked significantly at Chuck "Sounds like your special order came through. Now solve that damned problem, Bartowski. And we can get back to some real spy work."

-o0o-

"Two weeks? With Sarah?...Chuck?" Ellie was bouncing. Devon recognised the symptoms, and decided his teeth needed flossing. Chuck looked after his fleeing back, wondering if there was a way to join him.

"Sis? It's a work thing."

"At Sarah's place." She bounced.

"At Sarah's place" he agreed. "And it's actually work. Real work, OK?"

"Mmm-hmmm" the bouncing, if anything, had increased.

"I'll just grab my things, then."

-o0o-

Chuck looked at her sleeping face. She was so beautiful. Innocent, when she slept. Not that she wasn't beautiful when she was awake. With her hair all mussed up from sleep. As well as the other reason, before they slept. Why was it that after orgasm, men fell asleep, and women _really_ woke up? There had to be some reason, some valid evolutionary advantage for that. She'd kept him awake for an hour, talking, asking questions... and, well a second time. Who ravished whom, he wondered.

"Morning" he said when he realised her eyes were open, and she was smiling at him.

"Hi" she croaked with a still sleepy voice.

"You do realise, that at some stage, I'm going to have to do some real work here. Computer work. Not this physical slaving away at the coal face."

"You showed some real potential at the 'coal face" last night. I mean, there's room for improvement" she smiled "but, sadly, seeing as I have a cover job, even if my boyfriend isn't actually at work, we still have to go to work."

He looked a little puzzled.

"I still have to keep the stupid shop open. You, mister asset with hidden talents" one of her hands found said talent "will be slaving away beneath me. About forty feet below me." She had a wistful smile.

"...Ah. In Castle. Right. So, I'm guessing, a certain ff...four foot tall general can keep her tabs on me?" it was hard to concentrate while she was doing that with her hand. Difficult. It was difficult. "Sarah? Its ... diff...difficult to concentr ...ate! when you ...d..d...doooo that... mmmmmm... no fair kissing like that."

They got to work a little after ten. It's not like they had to open the shop because of the customer queue outside.

-o0o-

"So, in order to save me from a bunker, I'm now going to work _in_ one for the next two weeks..."

"Chu-uuk. I've seen the look on your face when you get down here... Do I need to show you the footage of _someone_ stroking the casing of, what did you call it? A terror floppy, liquid something cooled and something about sexy, I believe..."

"She's so beautif... "

"It's not natural for you to drool like that over a computer" said Casey as he ran the cloth over the .50 cal. Chuck was tempted to say 'lovingly,' but...

May as well get some work done then. God, this thing was _fast_. Really got to try it online, with some Call Of Duty on her one day...

-o0o-

**A.N. **The bit about Canadian cricket came up during the Aust Paki game (we lost - number 47 *grunt*), when the commentators were talking about a promising young Canadian player named Patel.

* light bulb *

The Aust Canuck game wasn't shown over here on the 'welfare' channels (Thanks Kate, I am so stealing that expression). Who would have thought you could reference World Cup cricket on Chuck...

Oh, hopefully someone else knows the 'Saskatchewan stuttering' line. Please tell me I'm not the only person who bought that album. Please? My wife thinks I'm weird enough as it is...


	4. Chapter 4

I don't own Chuck et al.

**Wepdiggy** owns the Sam 'verse.

And in the Sam 'verse the remake of certain Hawaiian police show was done a couple of years before our 'verse. That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it. My wife just wants to see what's-his-name without his shirt. I suspect she's not alone...

* * *

**Deep Voiced Man:** Previously, in the Sarah vs The Fan Fiction 'verse;

You know what? Press the Back icon up there. There you go.

-o0o-

"**You don't know the **_**power**_** of the search engine"**

"Sarah! Hi! come on in. Thanks for bringing my baby brother"

"Thanks Ellie. I think he missed you."

"I think he missed my cooking..."

"Don't I get a say in this? Hi sis." Chuck squeezed past Sarah and kissed his sister's cheek "Hey, Devon."

"Awesome, bro" the Captain's high five was mandatory.

"So, how's it going?" Ellie had promised (everyone, actually) to contain her self. So she only bounced just a little bit.

"Well, Thanks to Morgan and the Buy Morons, I've had to start again from scratch. But I'm seeing a real potential, after I tried a different path, and why are you looking at me like that?"

Sarah interceded. "It's... good." She glanced at Chuck, and back to Ellie with a smile "Annnd as you can tell, he really _is_ working. What kind of idiot would ignore _that_ negligee to tap away at a computer?" she smiled sweetly back at Chuck.

"Oh, believe me, I saw you, although negligee barely covers... I just had to..."

"Nerd" said both Ellie and Sarah sharing a smile.

They moved in to cluster in the kitchen, where all the great smells were.

-o0o-

"That new show, Honolulu 50 is on. Shall we?" Ellie gestured to the couch

"Oooh, who's he? He's hot" Sarah leant forward. Chuck gave her a look, which she pretended to miss, and then he raised an eyebrow at Devon.

After a few minutes Chuck ventured "He must be. That's the third scene he hasn't worn a shirt."

"I notice you were awfully quiet when the girl wore that green bikini" she breathed into his ear.

"That's 'cause Devon and I were sharing a moment" he whispered back, after the Sarah induced goose bumps subsided, and he could think again.

"I'm sure."

"No, we were ...we invented a drinking game for that ... stup... _wonderful_ teeniebop vampire epic that Ellie made us watch. Again, and again. And _again._ If he sparkles, drink. If they look longingly, drink. You get the idea. Devon and I have sat through it three times. I still have no idea what happens after the first ten minutes."

"Oh look, 'I see you managed to get your shirt off'" Chuck then said aloud to the room

"Galaxy Quest. Awesome" Devon recalled the last time Chuck used that quote. Some pale teenager had been glittering on the screen.

"Galaxy...Did we see that?" Sarah whispered to Chuck

"Yeah, scratched the spaceship on the way out of the dock. Remember?" she nodded with a smile at the memory.

"You're not really drinking, are you? I got plans for you later..."

"Nah, Devon and I are just remembering that game."

"Shush, you lot. I'm enjoying this."

Chuck and Devon glanced at each other, and each took a sip from the wine glass. Sarah buried her smile into Chuck's arm.

-o0o-

"Mind you, Mr Bartowski, when I first met you, I think it was about three months before I saw Awesome wear a shirt, besides his scrubs."

"Nice to see that you were paying attention to your asset." He gave her a nudge.

"Oh, I think it's now apparent, I paid too much attention to you" she flicked him a look that sent his stomach into a spin before returning her attention back to driving "But I was. To you and your environment. It's instinctive."

* * *

The next day, Chuck's phone rang while he was working in Castle. "Morgan? Hi buddy."

"..."

"Large Mart have done what? OK, what did Jeff and Lester do?" he said with regret.

"..."

"Well, how big a shovel _do_ you need?

"..."

"Of course not. Maybe you could buy one at Large M..."

"..."

"Naturally, they haven't got any left."

"..."

"OK, see if Casey or Roan can help."

"..."

"Well, I'm sure that the fire department will underst..."

"..."

"Chuck? Everything OK?"

Chuck looked up at Sarah standing at the top of the stairs from the freezer entrance "Just a second buddy" he placed his hand over the phone.

"It looked like you were in pain, are you OK?"

"Yeah, it's Morgan" he held the phone up "just a minor hostage, fire department and pineapple moment. Have I thanked you lately for getting me out of there?" he pointed vaguely in the direction he thought the Buy More was "Even if it's only for another week. Let me say it again. Thank you."

She smiled for him and then asked "Is this to do with the elephant in the car park? And all the news helicopters?"

"I haven't got that far" he held his phone up again "Yet" his smile was now mainly gritted teeth.

"Sorry, little buddy. Now, I know I'm going to regret this, but just how is the Jet Propulsion Lab involved in this?"

"..."

"Well who let them get their hands on benzyl-diethyl-hydrazine? They're supposed to be smart over at JPL."

"..."

"What do you mean fourteen tons?"

"..."

"OK, that is surprisingly convincing" he paused, and calmed himself "I believe and again, I know I'm going to regret this, you _may_ have left out the part about the elephant?"

"..."

Casey and Roan came in from the staff break room entrance. Casey began with "Have you seen what those two nitwits have..."

"Just finding out now" Chuck said serenely, with his hand over the mouthpiece. Chuck now had an overwhelming urge to rest his forehead against the frozen metal inside Sarah's freezer. It would hurt less.

Roan came over and placed his hand on Chuck's shoulder "Charles, take your time, get it right, and get me the _hell_ out of here" he gave Chuck's shoulder joint a friendly squeeze.

"Ow! Why is this, my fault?"

Roan had moved on, and was telling Casey of the number of times he'd been stabbed, shot, thrown out of aircraft (with and without parachutes) or overboard. Nothing, apparently compared to Burbank. Casey reminisced lovingly about the time he held a snipe position for two weeks on top of a fire ant nest. They both missed those days.

* * *

"You know? Just lately it's kind of like my life has turned into a comic disaster movie. I half expect Chevy Chase to turn up as the guest bad guy."

They were in her bed, watching TV. The footage of the elephant trotting happily down the street was still playing. There was only cell phone footage of one of the helicopters dodging the trebuchet's payload which caused the elephant to be, even now, still playing dodge-em with LA's finest. The interview of Jeff wearing only Lester's box protector, and waiving a cricket bat around failed to air, a good thing on the whole.

JPL's spokesman, one 'Dr S. Cooper PhD' looking like he was in the terminal stages of St Vitus Dance, had kept suspiciously quiet about the rocket fuel. Chuck had the sneaking suspicion that the fuel itself would not.

Sarah smiled and leant over to kiss him "I'll admit, Burbank is not what I expected. Neither were you, Chuck. I told you once, you're amazing. You can do anything" her kiss this time was a little hungrier "OK, yes you can do _that_" she moved his hand, but kept hold of it so she could reapply it when she needed "So maybe, you have amazing people around you."

He grinned against her lips "I think, if you are referring to Jefster, the technically correct term is 'dazed and con...'"

But she'd opened her lips, and Chuck found something better to do.

They ignored the sirens and the trumpeting of "Manny" as the media were now referring to him, as the little parade progressed up the street outside.

* * *

"Good morning, team" said General Beckman from the screen.

Each member of Team Intersect greeted her in their own way (two 'General's and a grunt).

"Somehow" she looked at them significantly "the Jet Propulsion Laboratories have reported the loss of some fourteen tons of propellant that was to be used for the next Mars probe."

"Gee, have they? Fourteen tons, you say" seemed to be the general consensus from Team Bartowski.

"Just find it" sighed the general, before cutting off the signal, and resting her head on the blotter. She was regretting having the decanter removed from her office. But it surely it had been the right decision.

"Houston, we have a problem" said Chuck to the blank screen. "Road trip to Pasadena anyone?"

"Why would the fuel be at the Pasadena campus? They do their testing out at Edwards" groused Casey.

"What can I say? Jeff and Lester. Never underestimate them." Chuck admitted grudgingly.

-o0o-

They were riding in one of Casey's black NSA Suburbans. The guys at JPL had been as helpful as they could but the direction of their enquiries lay back in Burbank.

Casey wasn't in a good mood. The geeks at JPL were, if possible, smarter and geekier than Bartowski.

The whole time they'd been there, Bartowski had been swapping comic book names with the most normal of them.

Dr Hofstadter had been helpful. His jaw only dropped slightly when Walker came into view. He then had a frantic conversation with Bartowski, while ostensibly showing him the mission control for Cassini. The pair of them glancing at Walker the whole time.

Cooper, the one that gave the sound bite on TV, couldn't lie to save his life. Casey had the information he needed in 3 seconds. But Bartowski was in nerdvana. Walker tried to keep a lid on it, but you could see she was enjoying letting the nerd have some fun.

Casey was honest enough to agree with Walker. Let him have some fun. And as a pilot, Casey had some interest in space. He'd been about 6 or 7 when Armstrong and Aldrin... Casey blinked. Must be the air-conditioning. Because John Casey didn't cry.

Casey actually liked one of the scientists. He shut up whenever Walker was in view. Some poor Indian schmuck. It was Wolowitz who ruined the day. Casey had never seen Bartowski angry before. And Walker looked like she really wanted to water board this creep. Or use that trebuchet from the car park.

"No real surprises, then. The usual suspects it is. Just be gentle... don't leave any visible scars, OK? I'll just wait in Castle..." Chuck tried to fill the silence.

They all looked at each other. Casey was intimidating and Sarah had the 'don't look at me' expression.

"Fine, I'll ask Lester what he did with it." Chuck was always the push-over.

-o0o-

"Charles, welcome back, or are you just visiting our lowly domain? Did you see the tragic demise of that poor elephant?"

"Lester, the TV showed him waiting patiently at the front gates to the zoo. Where did you get... never mind. Please tell me Jeff hasn't drunk all of the hydrazine? Yet."

"Where do you get these absurd notions?"

"The hydrazine? Where is it?"

"I'll never talk, Bartowski. There is nothing you can..."

"Lester, I tried being nice. The guys at JPL gave you up in a heartbeat. You leave me with no option" Chuck said sadly as he walked out of the home theatre room "He's all yours." Chuck nodded to his replacement.

"I've seen better good cop routines on HB... Sarah! What... what are you doing... is that photocopy paper? No! No! I'm allergic to paper cuts...yeeeeaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggh!"

Chuck and Casey stood guard at the door to the home theatre room, as Lester's screams filled the air.

-o0o-


	5. Chapter 5

I don't own Chuck et al.

**Wepdiggy** owns the Sam 'verse.

* * *

**Deep Voiced Man:** Previously, in the Sarah vs The Fan Fiction 'verse;

-o0o-

"Well who let them get their hands on benzyl-diethyl-hydrazine? They're supposed to be smart over at JPL."

"..."

"What do you mean fourteen tons?"

-o0o-

"**When Gummy Bears Attack."**

"You really rely a lot on that elfin charm of yours, don't you?"

Sarah smiled, just a little, while she slowly loosened one and then a second button on her blouse.

Then she faked a yawn and stretch to strain the remaining buttons. A lot. She checked surreptitiously that Chuck was watching. Of course he was, even if he'd turned a funny color.

She then lent forward on the Orange Orange counter _way_ more than she needed to.

"I'm _sure_ I have no idea what you are talking about, Chuck" she purred at the window. It seemed she found something about the sight of Lester's Eeyore themed bandaid across his nose fascinating.

Chuck couldn't help himself. He heard music, and angels were singing in the distance. His eyes were drawn as if magnetised by the soft, creamy visage of flesh and lace revealed before him... The power to his jaw muscles dissipated, and said jaw then slackened a bit.

He mumbled something, and then turned bright red.

"What did you just say?" she was now upright, her hands on her hips. Somehow the buttons had done themselves back up.

"Nothing" he tried to move floor tiles with his Converse's.

The gummy bear hit him mid forehead.

"What?" her hands were still on her hips, as if they'd never moved.

"Sarah, I'm so sorry. It just sort of... _popped_ in there" he blurted.

"What!" her blonde hair swirling in wrathful vengeance.

"...If you want them, come ...and claim...them..." he stammered, his eyes wide trying to outstare the onrushing catastrophe.

The second gummy bear still got him, even though he ducked. He had a little red mark on his forehead now. Shaped just like a...

-o0o-

Fourteen tons of rocket fuel occupies a respectable volume. Three trucks that looked awfully like milk tankers were a little hard to hide.

And Jeff wasn't a genius. He had his moments, for sure. The last one had been on a Thursday, in 1982. So parking the tankers on his mother's street was kind of obvious.

Chuck rode shotgun with Casey in the lead tanker, as they drove them back to JPL. Two other NSA agents drove the other tankers, followed by more agents in vans. Followed at a safe distance by one very nervous agent driving a shiny Crown Victoria.

"You know you have a little red mark, just there" Casey pointed at his forehead.

"I believe I do."

"... It looks kind of like a gummy..."

"Just drive. OK?" Chuck focused out the windshield.

Casey made a happy grunt

-o0o-

"Chuck, wasn't it?"

"Hi, yeah. Dr..."

"Hofstadter. Call me Leonard, please. Look, thanks for keeping this quiet. They only just let me back around volatiles. After the whole North Korea, Kim thing..." he drifted to a contemplative silence "Um, so where your friend?"

"He's just..." Chuck started to point at the loading dock.

"No, I mean..."

"Oh, yeah well, she couldn't..."

"Ask him about the gummy bears" Casey's dulcet tones drifted across the loading dock.

"It's complicated" admitted Chuck.

-o0o-

Casey dropped Chuck off at Castle. He gleefully suggested tactical gear might be an option. Sarah ignored the pair of them as they opened the freezer.

"Feels toasty in here, compared to out there" was Casey's cheerful observation, before they were allowed access to Castle. Casey reported to Beckman that the fuel had been returned, before returning to the Buy More, with a departing "Try not to let her kill you. I hate paper work."

After a little while, Chuck used his workstation to open a view of the Orange Orange. Sarah had already opened a view of him down in Castle and was standing with her arms folded. So the pair of them stared at each other, watching each other watch each other, without saying a word.

With a sigh, he started his search engine, and stared at it, without doing anything.

In the afternoon, Chuck tried a peace offering of buying her a cappuccino. She just stared at him for the longest time, before his nerve broke, and he fled for the cafe. When he came back, she still didn't say anything. He left her coffee and muffin on the counter and fled downstairs.

At closing time, he waited for her to lock up, and then followed her to her car. Casey was just getting to his, and offered Chuck "an arctic weight jacket for the ride home. Looks like it's still a bit nippy."

-o0o-

They rode to her hotel in silence. She drove the Porsche hard. So conversation would have been difficult over the engine note. After parking, she didn't wait for him, so he had to run to catch the same elevator as her. He wasn't all that certain he wanted to ride the same cart as her, but then would she let him into the room if she got there first?

Another silent ride. When she opened the door to her room, she said her first word to him since the second gummy bear hit him with a precision second only to laser guided ordinance. "Inside!"

He stepped meekly through the door. He dropped his bag and turned to face her. He suddenly found himself with Sarah hungrily kissing him. The bed hit in the back of his knees, and they toppled still locked together.

"Chuck that was brilliant" Sarah said, once she'd run out of air.

"So we sold an 'agent angry with her asset' to everyone?" he grinned up at her from where she had him pinned.

"I haven't seen Casey that happy since he zeroed his .50 cal. And the General called up while you were returning the fuel. Why did they take the fuel, by the way?"

"Mythbusters."

"Bless you."

"No, it's a show. Something about a getting Jeff's old van..."

"Loretta" she supplied.

"...to fly off a ramp. And or set a land speed record. They were a little confused about that. OK, so how do _you_ know Loretta?"

"CIA trade secret. You can torture me, I'll never tell."

"Really?" he raised his eyebrows.

"Mm hmmm" she nodded.

He grinned, and rolled her over, pinning her down. He lifted her blouse, exposing a perfect bellybutton.

"Chuuuuck" she warned him.

He traced slow circles around the navel with his tongue. His eyes glinting with not-so-secret pleasure, stared back up at her.

"You start this... Oh God... you'd better damn well finnishhhhh..." she arched her back as he moved the circle.

"Ready to talk now, agent?" he muffled into flesh.

"...Do your worst..."

-o0o-

They ate dinner out of the pizza box, while lying on her bed.

"So, how's the search thingy going?" she asked after breaking off the string of cheese.

"I kind finished it the second day in Castle" he admitted with a sheepish grin.

"Chuuuck" she found a pillow to clobber him with "Why didn't you tell me?"

"During the day, we've got cameras, remember? And when we get back here, well there are _all_ these distractions..." he leered at a pair of them. "Besides, if we tell them I've finished, I go back to Ellie, and my little bugged bedroom" he shrugged.

"So what have you been doing down there for the past week and a bit? Huh?" she emphasised with the pillow.

He grinned back at her "Well, some of it was fine tuning the program. And hacking a portal into the CIA and NSA's database. Scary shit in there. Tweak it here and there. Running tests on the fan fiction. Reading some fictions. Hey, I have to check the data, right?" he was able to parry the pillow this time "So, I've got the remaining five days under your care. I'm going to make the most of it."

"Oh, are you?"

"What? Tired of me so soon?"

"Nah, I was worried you might be getting tired of these" her eyes dipped to her bare chest, and back, with a twinkle "This afternoon, it looked like you weren't interested any more..."

"Never."

"If you want them, come and claim themmmm" but he already had.

-o0o-


	6. Chapter 6

I don't own Chuck et al. **Wepdiggy** probably owns section of Sam. Large sections.

-o0o-

They emerged from the supply closet; Chuck looking suitably abashed for the twenty minute dressing down it appeared agent Walker had surely just given him. It looked like it had been a very thorough going over. His hair was messy, and it looked like she'd had him sweating.

They separated in the main section of Castle, agent Walker pausing to give her asset a significant look. Chuck stayed at his workstation, with his head in his hands.

He had to.

Otherwise his huge grin would have ruined the white balance of the HD cameras.

Eventually, he controlled himself enough to emerge. He'd intended to offer Sarah a coffee. He could hear her happy humming as she wiped the spotless counter down. He emerged into the yogurt department of the CIA base. Something bad across the lot caught Chuck's attention. He shuddered.

"Chuck, did you just flash?" she'd seen him looking out the window, and then twitch.

"Um... no. Sarah, am I mistaken, or has Lester set up a booth outside the store?" the wooden stall kind of reminded Chuck of Lucy's psychiatric advice booth from Peanuts. Just not as professional.

"Ah. Yeah..." Sarah regarded the sight in front of the Buy More she'd seen being set up earlier.

"OK, I know this is going to hurt. What's he doing?" Chuck ended in a flat tone of voice.

"Virgin advice" she said with a straight faced.

Chuck contemplated this for a moment.

"OK, assuming we aren't talking about airlines, phone companies or credit cards, is this advice to, or from?" he asked in a perfectly reasonable tone.

Sarah just looked at him with her left eyebrow raised to a dangerous level. That seemed to be her fall back expression when dealing with one of Buymoria's leading citizens.

"Never mind. I should probably call Morgan. Let him deal with it."

"Morgan?" her tone was doubtful. The eyebrow still up.

"Oh, a little faith in the bearded one, please. Obviously _I_ don't want to go over there. And we can't call Casey in to move things along. His version would mean mobilising the eighty second airborne. Or at least something involving a tank. Either option runs the risk of attracting the attention of Russian spy satellites, and then they start mobilising, so then we have to ... I can't ask you, because frankly you're not ready" he effortlessly ducked the gummy bear with a grin, but he suspected she'd taken it easy on him "And I need you ... to be mentally fit for duty" he hoped the little pause wasn't noticeable on the recordings. "I'll get Morgan to use the secret weapon."

He waited.

He could see Sarah desperately wanted to know what the 'secret weapon' was, but was battling the knowledge that the answer would involve further information about Lester. So, Chuck waited calmly.

Sarah was after all a secret agent. And a woman. Neither could resist a dangled tease like that. What made it more fun, he could see she knew she was being taunted. He kept an eye on the yellow gummy bear she was juggling one handed, just in case.

He allowed a superior smile to creep across his face. Knowing full well how much trouble he was placing himself in, because she hated it when he did this...

God, she was going to be evil to him when they got back to her hotel room. He hoped. His smile grew, as her scowl did the same.

"Fine. What secret weapon?" she finally responded with a very good imitation of bored. It was her 'I surrender, but I'm _not_ giving you the satisfaction' tone of voice.

He was toying with the "It's above your pay grade," or "classified" route, but realised that he needed her to be in a good humour when they got back to her place.

"Watch and learn, my young Padawan" Chuck tried to imitate the emperor scene from _Return of the Jedi_, before calling Morgan up on his phone. "Morgan, hey buddy. Yeah, yeah I saw it. Mmm hm. Do it. Set those puppets free."

About three minutes later, they could see Morgan sidle out of the front doors, and crawl to the front of Lester's booth. His feet were bare, and his socks were on his hands. Morgan then began his impromptu puppet show. Chuck was standing at the door, watching the proceedings with a satisfied smile, and his arms crossed. Sarah stood beside him, her arms also crossed. Their uppers arms touching. She shared half of her yellow gummy bear with him, there being no popcorn available at this time.

Sarah never knew what Morgan's puppet show was about, but Lester's high pitched "Eeeeee Eeeeeee Eeeeeee!" was clearly audible, as Lester threw himself backwards with all the grace of ninja on Quaaludes. He then scuttled backward to the wall, and eventually stood pressed flat against the wall, before sidling into the Buy More. His squeals fading out as the doors shut behind him.

Chuck realised that Sarah was shaking with silent laughter beside him. Her face turned towards his, her eyes glistening, and she was desperately trying not to laugh aloud.

He tried to sound his smuggest and said "All I know is Jeff woke him up that way in dumpster on Wilshire once. Anymore than that, we'll have to book trauma counselling for you."

After heading out and returning from the coffee run, Chuck said "I'll just send Morgan a thank you" and began typing a message on his phone while she sipped her coffee. He showed it to Sarah when he finished.

It read _'We need tell Bkmn the program finished. Showtime 3? Sleep yr place tonight tomorrow? Drop me Ellie's on Sund. Stay 4 dinner? Love you'_

Sarah's finger ran over the 'Sund.' "Wish we could change that" she said in a soft voice, and then indicated the last two words "Looks good" she said brightly.

-o0o-

At 1458, Sarah, Casey, Roan and Chuck were standing before one of the conference screens in Castle. Chuck had his favourite Roarke 6 laptop up and running with his search engine ready. It was really the CIA's laptop. Chuck just made sure he was the only one to use it. It wasn't like he hid it on top of the lockers (and pushed it _right_ to the back) deliberately.

Generals are punctual, as a rule. Beckman was no exception. "Good morning team" there was a slight pause while the general adjusted a hair that had gotten loose.

"Roan" she added. Maybe she was getting a cold, because her voice changed timbre when she said his name. Must have been that, because after clearing her throat, she continued in a normal voice "Mister Bartowski. Am I to understand you have completed your assignment. Finally?"

"Yes General" answered Chuck after a moments hesitation regarding her last word. "I've also tested it several times. There is no covert data in the Sam fan fictions. If you will allow me?" he repositioned the laptop so the screen was visible to the team, while a 'parrot feed' was sent to the head of the NSA.

Chuck pressed the return key.

Nothing happened.

Sarah shifted on her feet uneasily. The General peered sceptically at her monitor. Casey began to show a smirk and Roan started mentally preparing to plead for his life.

Chuck stood waiting patiently.

And then there was a 'ta-dah' from the laptop. Chuck was rather pleased with the sound. He'd recorded his own voice using Morgan's Darth Vader mask and voice changer (limited collector's edition). And then he fiddled with the frequencies when he'd installed the sound file into the laptop. Imagine Lord Vader being voiced by either Chip, or Dale. He saw Sarah's stifled reaction, and allowed a small grin to flash across his face.

The results appeared on the screen:

**3 results found in 27.235 seconds**

"That ... was a bit slow" said Sarah.

"Actually that would be the triple redun... Annnd you're all looking at me funny. Part of the problem from the first time, I was following normal internet protocols, find the result fastest so the user doesn't get fed up and change home pa... anyhoo, that figure is correct. I followed your advice, Roan. Take my time, get it right." Chuck shifted the screen slightly. It was show time.

"OK, Result one; TheStainlessSteelRat" Chuck used a remote to display on a different computer screens of photos and text. Chuck had prepared this earlier "Real name, James Houghton Meyer the third. Lives on a houseboat. Mailing address... Slip F18-B, The Bahia Mar marina in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The boats name is ... the _John Maynard Keynes II_. Apparently the first one blew up. Republican. He... _was_ an analyst for the company... he, or rather he and his wife have mentioned some old incidents... mainly situational, or incidental. But nothing specific. Old data. Back from when Bush was head of the CIA. He's not quite canon. You wouldn't like him" Chuck glanced at Sarah before resuming "If I remember correctly... he... has a multi chapter...um here we go..."Dreamland," it is fairly similar to what we're looking for, messages within messages but that's as far as it goes... Actually, Casey might like him. From memory, he gets the weapons right."

Roan piped up "Did I ever tell you of the time I was in Republica Libre? There was a young analyst that helped me out before the mission. He was an economist, called himself Meyer. Just Meyer. He gave me some valuable insight to the financial situation, and the mindset of the then incumbent dictator" Roan smiled predatorily, before peered at the photo on the monitor "We bankrupted them, and ...Yes, that's him. A good man. Although it looks like he's lost some weight..."

"Our second potential iiiiis StormChaser12" Chuck resumed "A homicide detective from New York City named Beckett. She... here we are, she mentions the dirty bomb that was set to go off in New York earlier this year. Beckett herself was involved in the hunt and defusing. Again, nothing specific. She _is_ within the non disclosure she signed..." Chuck clicked the remote again.

"Annnd, _I_ am you last suspect. I included some out of date incidents, no names etc in my Costa Gravas story."

"Good. This is over. Can I lock him up now?"

"Casey..." Sarah sighed.

The General overrode them all "Good job team. However next time, try to keep this sort of thing to a timely manner. Agents, dismissed. Roan, I need your services in Washington. You are done with the Buy More."

The General signed off in her usual courteous manner of pushing the button to prevent further discussion.

"Sarah, Casey" Roan then inclined his head towards their asset "Charles. As always, this has been... a complete shemozzle. Adieu." Roan left as quickly as he could, desperate to remove the green polo shirt, and find a decent dirty martini. Or seven.

-o0o-

"Sarah! _What_ did you just say?" Chuck was incredulous.

"I can't get this _taHqeq Bantha poodoo_ thing to..." she was trying to rip the plastic packaging. Chuck felt she was almost about to use her teeth.

They'd gotten back to her room. It was Friday. They had most of a week end together. Baring national emergencies.

"OK, now you're just messing with me. And mixing two _totally_ different genres. Trek, and Wars. Just where exactly did you learn those? Something vexes thee?"

A knife appeared from somewhere intimate on her body. "Nope" she grinned with evil satisfaction, as she studied its edge. Chuck had a moment's pause. He could have had his hand ...

"I _do_ love you, you know" he decided.

"What?" she interrupted her blade work, and retracted her tongue. That was a pity. She was very cute when she did that...

She glanced, and then stared harder at him. "I can read your mind, you know."

"Ha!"

"Its true, body language has lots of give-a-ways. There was this course on the Farm..."

"So what am I thinking now?" Chuck challenged.

Sarah looked over at him from the bench "You want to kiss my boobies?"

Chuck opened his mouth. Fortunately for him, his brain/mouth filter kicked in. Sarah noticed his hesitation – noticed, she had banked on it – and advanced on him, batting her eyelids at him, with a shy and innocent smile.

"..." he closed his mouth. Anything he said now was fraught with danger. Her shy and innocent demeanour now somehow managed to include a predatory streak that caused ice to flow in a region that ran toes to kidneys. She'd added a cute little sheep like bleat to the batting eyelids, as she nudged her chest into his. Repeatedly.

"You _really_ want to kiss my boobies?" she encouraged him, gazing quasi innocently up into his eyes.

There was only one possible answer. Part of him really wanted to try a 'no' just to see what would happen. He stood on that part firmly.

"Why yes... how did you know?" he grinned back at her. Barely able to keep the giggles at bay, he wrapped his arms around her.

After she released his lips from hers, she said "See? That wasn't so hard, was it? Oh, hang on... " her eyes flicked down and up.

"It would appear my nerd now comes with a handy built-in towel rack..."

"Shush. I've got boobies to kiss..."

-o0o-

Ellie opened the door "Sarah! Chuck!" she squealed. No-one, except for Casey over in his apartment, reacted to the dogs now howling in the background.

"One nerd. Perfect working order" Sarah shoved Chuck through the door with a grin.

It was a perfectly normal Sunday night dinner with family. There was teasing, laughter and a movie after dinner. There was even cuddling while watching the movie.

Perfectly normal.

Absolutely nothing compared spending _any_ time with Sarah.

-o0o-

**Dedication: **Jim and Robert, get well.

Jim, I know you'll know the houseboat. Sorry I couldn't give you the _Flush_, but you already used her for one of your characters... At least I didn't give you the _Thorstein Veblen_...

-o0o-


End file.
